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Young Ahab Loses the Battle With the Great Brown Whale

Older brother: I just took the biggest shit in the bathroom I have seen in months. It started overflowing and I ran out. Younger brother: Wow, I bet that thing put up a fight coming outta you, huh?...

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Wednesday Go-Down-On-Liners

Wholesome-looking man, walking with several families with kids and carrying a cross: Jesus Christ died for our sins today so that we can all give blowjobs whenever we want! –Union Square Girl with...

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Communications Major

Ditz #1: Are you applying to any SUNYs?Ditz #2: What? What’s that?Ditz #1: A ‘State University of New York.’Ditz #2: Oh, Michigan?Ditz #1: No, no, no. What are your safety schools?Ditz #2: Michigan?...

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Barney’s Urine Has a Small but Devoted Following

Young hipster: I want drink!Concessions clerk: What? Snapple? What?Young hipster: Drink! I want drink! [Pounds counter.]Concessions clerk, utterly confused: You are too young to drink.Young hipster: I...

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And Isn't a “Safety Position”, Like, a Sex Thing?

College girl #1: I mean, if I saw a person seizing in the middle of the street, I probably wouldn't help them.College girl #2: Yeah, I wouldn't know what to do.College girl #1: She said that because of...

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People Who Live in New Jersey Should Not Throw Stones

Drunk fan: Martin Brodeur fucked his sister-in-law.Sober pisser: That’s worse than OJ Simpson.Drunk fan: Yeah, he’s French Canadian. –Madison Square Garden bathroom Overheard by: TrueBlue

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Oh, No, Honey. Those Are Just Gangstas

Mother: Be careful, sweetie, because there are criminals everywhere in New York! Little girl: Look! There’s a taxi full of criminals! –Outside Madison Square Garden Overheard by: Source

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Wednesday One-Liners Won’t Remember This Tomorrow

Loud, shit-faced Asian girl to strangers: You want some of this? I mean, don’t get me wrong. I love sex. [falls forward, taps stranger on forehead.] herro! Anybody home?! [laughs hysterically]. –Metro...

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I’m Sure He Has Just the Job for Her

Black guy #1: She’s beautiful. Somewhere between Faith Evans and Beyonce. Black guy #2: Faith Evans? That don’t sound beautiful. Black guy #1: Well you know, shape of the face is like Faith, and she’s...

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Swedish Fishiness

Guy behind line of girls into the women’s bathroom: Whoa! Girl: Hey! You can’t come in here! Guy: It’s okay, I’m Swedish–I’m practically gay. Source

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